“I Didn’t Learn What Love Is”: A Guide to Relationships After Care
Growing up in care can mean many things, but one of the most significant challenges for care-experienced young people is navigating relationships after care. For many, learning what love truly is, whether through friendship, family or romantic partners, is a journey full of struggles, confusion and setbacks. In this post, we explore the deep emotional impacts that come with being in care, how those experiences affect future relationships, and the steps care leavers can take to build healthier connections as they move into adulthood. It not only aims to provide understanding but also offers actionable advice for overcoming barriers and rebuilding trust in relationships.
The Challenge: How Care Experience Affects Relationships
For many young people, relationships are complicated, let alone when stacked with the challenges associated with being in care. The very foundation of trust, which forms the basis of intimate connections, is often shaken early in life due to separation from birth families, frequent moves between placements and loss of key emotional support. It’s no surprise then that building strong, trusting relationships later in life can feel like an uphill battle.
How Early Experiences Shape Trust
Trust issues are one of the most significant emotional hurdles that care leavers face. When a young person experiences repeated disruptions in their life, whether that be changes in schools or shifting living arrangements, it becomes incredibly difficult to feel secure in any relationship. For many, the fear of being let down or abandoned often leads to emotional withdrawal or difficulty forming bonds. A 2023 report by Research in Practice highlighted that care-experienced young people have higher rates of social isolation and emotional struggles. The lack of a consistent, reliable adult presence leaves many feeling unimportant or unworthy of love, which can further reinforce fears of rejection.
The Emotional Burden of Loss
In care, young people experience an overwhelming sense of loss, from the loss of family, home and stability. For some, this loss can be especially traumatic, especially when it happens during key developmental years. As a result, many care leavers grow up lacking emotional role models and later experience difficulties forming healthy relationships. The emotional impact of separation from family can make it difficult to build lasting connections. Research shows that attachment issues are common among care-experienced young people, with many struggling to form or maintain relationships well into adulthood. The psychological trauma can create a significant emotional barrier, where the idea of loving feels like something unattainable. Understanding why relationships are so challenging for care leavers requires digging deeper into the specific barriers they face. It’s not just about wanting to build a relationship; it’s about overcoming emotional and psychological hurdles that have been formed over years of instability.
Attachment and Trust Issues
One of the most persistent barriers care leavers face is attachment issues. Attachment is crucial to how we form relationships throughout our lives, and the attachment theory suggests that early experiences with caregivers shape how we approach attachment and intimacy later in life. When a care-experienced child doesn’t receive consistent emotional support or has been exposed to trauma, they may develop a fear of intimacy or attachment avoidance. They may be afraid of being hurt or abandoned again, leading to difficulties in trusting others and opening up emotionally. For many, this manifests as emotional detachment or reluctance to fully commit themselves to a relationship.
Social Isolation and Loneliness
The feeling of being alone or unimportant can be pervasive. Care leavers often report feeling isolated, even when surrounded by others. This sense of social disconnection can manifest in difficulty forming new relationships or keeping existing ones strong. The risk of social isolation increases as care leavers transition into adulthood. They may not have a strong family network or the support systems they need to nurture healthy relationships. This isolation can affect their emotional well-being and make it harder to develop supportive
bonds.
Fear of Rejection
For care leavers, the fear of rejection is also a constant challenge. The loss of family and multiple foster care placements can create deep, long-lasting wounds in a young person’s sense of self-worth. They may question if they are worthy of love or if people will stay in their lives when things get difficult. These fears can affect their ability to form intimate, trusting relationships. So what helps build healthy relationships?
Despite these challenges, the possibility of building healthy relationships remains strong for care-experienced young people. With the right support, care leavers can overcome these barriers and form lasting, meaningful connections.
Mentoring and Consistent Support
One of the most effective ways to help care leavers is through mentoring. Research consistently shows that young people who have consistent, supportive adult figures in their lives are more likely to thrive in relationships and build a positive sense of self-worth.
By providing stable emotional support and guidance, mentors can help young people build trust, work through emotional challenges and offer practical advice on how to engage with others in a healthy way. Mentoring can play a pivotal role in showing care leavers that they are worthy of love and respect.
Emotional Literacy and Self-Love
Another important step in rebuilding relationship confidence is developing emotional literacy. This involves understanding one’s own feelings, being able to express them clearly, and recognising the emotions of others. Many care leavers haven’t had the opportunity to learn or develop these vital skills, and it can be helpful to focus on teaching them healthy emotional regulation and self-love.
By learning to love themselves and respect their own feelings, care leavers can set healthy boundaries and form more meaningful relationships with others. This also helps recognise toxic patterns or unhealthy relationships and encourages young people to engage in mutual, respectful relationships.
Building Trust Step by Step
Trust is not something that happens overnight, especially for care leavers who have faced emotional trauma. However, it can be rebuilt with the right support. Therapy and counselling are invaluable in helping care leavers process their past and begin rebuilding trust in others. Trust-building exercises, whether in a therapeutic setting or through personal relationships, can help break down the emotional walls that many care leavers have built. Starting small, with simple acts of kindness and reliability, can go a long way in showing a care-leaver that people can be trusted. When care leavers experience reliable support, their sense of security and willingness to engage in deeper relationships improve. So what happens next?
While external support is critical, there are steps care leavers can take to work on these challenges themselves.
Start with self-love: Understanding your own value is essential in forming healthy relationships. Practice positive self-affirmations and seek therapy if past trauma is affecting your ability to trust and love.
Reach out for support: Don’t hesitate to ask for help; it doesn’t have to be a professional, simply someone you feel safe around and can communicate with confidently. Emotional literacy and trust-building take time.
Set healthy boundaries: Learn what makes you feel safe and respected in relationships. Setting boundaries is key to maintaining your emotional well-being in relationships.
At ASK PIP, we understand that the road to healthy relationships can be challenging for care-experienced young people. That’s why we offer mentorship and counselling services to help young people navigate these emotional hurdles. If you or someone you know is struggling to build relationships after leaving care, we’re here to help. To learn more about our support programs or to access mentoring and counselling, contact us directly. Building relationships after care is not easy, but it is possible. By understanding the emotional barriers that come with care experience, care leavers can take small, meaningful steps toward developing trust and healthy connections.
